How Biloxi, Mississippi Changed My Life

Apr27

Image result for biloxi mississippi

Source: https://www.hotels.com/de1423736/hotels-biloxi-mississippi/

Recently I went on a mission trip to Biloxi, Mississippi with my church. And I have to say, when we left the mission one week after arriving, I found I was a completely different person. Helping the people down there has enabled me put my life back into perspective. For the first time in a long time, I feel almost normal, almost free from anxiety. Thus, I thought it would be a good ideas to share what I’ve learned, because it may inspire you to go do something as meaningful to you as this felt to me. It’s going to be hard to put this into words, but I feel it’s necessary.

In case you don’t know, hurricane Katrina left the most lasting effects on Biloxi, Mississippi. Despite the fact that hurricane Katrina was only category 3, (which seems mild in comparison to hurricane Camille, category 5)  in many ways it was more harmful. The amount of water Katrina unleashed into places such as Biloxi was much more devastating. Many people also stayed through Katrina because they figured, after surviving hurricane Camille, Katrina would be nothing. In the end, Katrina ended up killing hundreds more people and leaving many more homeless. It left Biloxi a very poor city where it once was thriving on the seafood industry, and there are still many effects of Katrina lingering today. The mission I was at mostly focuses on rebuilding houses off of the rebuilds. In other words, a lot of other missions and organizations did a lot of “band-aid” work on the houses after Katrina, so the fixes didn’t last very long. In some cases ended up being more harmful than helpful to the house and homeowner. Our job was to fix everything permanently.

I will be perfectly honest: Monday, the first day I was actually at the mission site itself, I wasn’t so sure about this whole trip. I hadn’t gotten to speak much with the homeowner almost at all, meaning I learned nothing. Mostly, I just became overheated, dehydrated and exhausted after getting so used to the cold of Wisconsin. Tuesday was much the same, although I did go to a Katrina memorial. The amount of people listed dead, and the fact that a few were still -to this day- missing, struck something in me.

And then there was Wednesday.

The mission also offers other opportunities, such as working at a soup kitchen, helping people gather things they need from a food pantry, and help people at a shelter. I had signed up with a couple friends to work at the soup kitchen.

What first surprised me is the diversity of the people there. There were all kinds of people, both working in the kitchen, and the poor or homeless that had come for food. I hadn’t really realized up until this point how naive I was about how diverse this world really is, and I liked being able to interact with so many different types of people. Perhaps it was also a little nerve wracking since I am introverted, but in the end, it was all worth it. This was just the beginning.

It wasn’t until the other group showed up that things really changed.

One of the many local casinos, (of whom I will not name here, no matter how badly I want to) came in to serve their own meal. Seems like a kind thing to do, right? Normally I’d agree. But as the woman from our church I was working with put it, if I were them, “I’d take off the diamonds.”

It was obvious they hadn’t come for the right reasons. Many of the woman there wore ridiculously huge high heels, faces caked with makeup and covered in diamonds. The men were dressed in nice dress shirts and pants and looked very clean and orderly. They all wore fake smiles and hardly said a word to the people they were serving. They didn’t care about what they were doing. When everyone was fed, they took one last picture for publicity and then left, without helping during cleanup or anything. It was obvious that they just wanted people to look at their casino and say “Oh, they helped the homeless, how nice! I think I’ll go there tonight!” That was one of the most eye-opening experiences I have ever had. And it’s one that I hope to never have again, though that’s (unfortunately) unlikely.

The next day, someone came in to talk to our mission group about the difference between doing a job just for the sake of doing it, and doing a job because you care about the people influenced by it. I don’t think anyone on the team that went to that kitchen needed any convincing on how important that difference is.

Image result for helping others

Source: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/helping-others-dampens-the-effects-of-everyday-stress.html

Ever since then, I’ve been working hard to forget myself for a while. Not ignoring myself completely; Denying myself of things I need isn’t going to help anyone. But sometimes, helping out other people makes you realize that your problems aren’t as big as you thought they were. No matter who you are, there is always someone out there who has it worse than you do. That’s the real reason I think my anxiety has gone down, when you’d think it would have gone up with traveling and all that. I’m not saying that if you’re in pain, it doesn’t matter. I’m not saying that at all. But sometimes, your pain can let up a little when you shift your focus elsewhere.

After all these months, my life is finally back on the track I want it to be. And the happiness I feel didn’t even come from solving my own problems.

“Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours.” -Les Brown

A Few Things To NEVER Say To Someone With Anxiety (Can you relate?)

Feb24

Hey all,

This might be a shorter post than usual, but this topic is equally important as all the others.

As someone with anxiety, I hear these phrases quite frequently that DRIVE ME INSANE. I know most of the people who say them mean well or don’t know what else to say, but it doesn’t help any. As a result, I’ve put together this post of a few things you will almost never want to say to someone with anxiety (and frankly, anyone going through anything negative). Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments below if you’re one of those people that can connect with this.

*Please keep in mind: These phrases do have their uses, or else they wouldn’t exist at all. There are some instances when someone really will need one of these said to them. These phrases are to be avoided, UNLESS you know the person really well or are exceptionally gifted with social interactions.

 

1. Calm down

My immediate reaction to that is “Oh yeah, like I haven’t already TRIED THAT!” The whole point is that I CAN’T CALM DOWN. I’d much prefer someone that would just listen to me and try to understand my pain then anything else. It also suggests that you think I’m overreacting (See below).

If I’m going through something difficult, what I need to hear instead is “If you need anything, I’m here for you,” or “I’ll listen to you,” etc. You should say this even if the person already knows this, say from time to time, because you can’t think straight when you’re having an anxiety attack.

 

2. Don’t we all.

This is one of the last things I need to hear when I’m upset. It sounds like you think my pain isn’t important. Just like I stated in the “Be A Glowstick” post, just because a problem is common doesn’t make it any easier to deal with it. I’m not saying that my anxiety trumps yours; but there are words you could use instead of “Don’t we all” that are a little less harsh.

Instead, say things like, “We’ll get through this together.” That phrase is especially helpful when the person you’re talking to needs to know that they aren’t alone.

 

 

3. You’re overreacting.

Don’t downgrade my emotions. I feel what I feel for a reason. Now if it’s late and I’m exhausted and I’ve had a bad day, I might be overreacting a little. In that case, telling me to get some rest isn’t directly telling me that I’m overreacting, but it’ll help me realize that I am.

 

If you do use this phrase, it helps to tie a compliment in there. For example:

Person A: I’m going to fail this test, and be sent back to fifth grade, and I’m going to be judged by everyone…

Person B: No you’re not, you’re overreacting. You’re very intelligent and your teacher knows you’ve worked hard for this.

See? Much less harsh.

 

4. I know how you feel.

The line between when this phrase is acceptable and when it’s not is a little blurred. It varies from person to person. It’s best to avoid this because most likely, you don’t know how the person feels exactly. You might have felt something similar, but the chances that your circumstances were the exact same as theirs is slim. Now, this phrase can be very powerful and can teach someone about themselves when used properly. But there are few times when that is true.

There isn’t really a good replacement for this phrase. It’s best just to avoid it altogether.

 

5. Just relax

This one is very similar to “Calm down,” just different wording.

Occasionally, this phrase can be useful. The tone of voice you use when delivering this message is important. If you sound too exasperated, I will take offense. If you say it like, “I know it’s hard, but I want you to try to relax,” that’s better. Which means, you should avoid this phrase when emailing or texting, unless you know the person receiving it will understand what you mean.

Instead, tell me to take a deep breath, take a break from whatever I’m doing, things like that.

 

I hope this was helpful to you all. I know emotions can be very confusing, for everyone involved. If you have any questions about what I wrote or want to mention a different phrase that’s annoying to you, feel free to leave it in the comments.

A Shocking Realization- Could I Have Been Wrong All Along?

Jan11

I have a poster on my locker that states “I am not normal.” It’s pretty self-explanatory. I put it on my locker to describe my pride in not being your normal 8th grader, to tell the world I don’t care what everyone else thinks of me.

I am proud of the peculiarities my friends and I are known for. (Prickly Bob is sitting next to me as I write this, talking about blood and chameleons. Not bloody chameleons, mind you. And nooooooooow he’s chewing on his backpack strap…) But I recently realized that some of us, I’d even say most of us, actually use our peculiarities as a defense. We don’t care about displaying all our oddities, but we’re still scared of showing the pieces of us that aren’t strange. I believe this is because it can actually sting when someone insults this part of us. We know that the weird stuff about us is going to be called weird; we’re unafraid of that. But it’s different when there’s something about you that could be considered completely normal and someone else claims it’s not.

 

As a result, I have friends that live outside their comfort zones to protect themselves. On the contrary, I have friends that are terrified of trying new things. Very few of us are completely immune to the thoughts of others, despite outward appearance.

Including me.

 

The reasons for this vary from person to person, but for me (and I daresay I’m not the only one) it’s due to lack of confidence. Too often do I focus on the bad things about myself, all the little flaws. Sometimes I reject compliments. I’m not trying to be modest, I just don’t accept them at all, always insisting that what was said isn’t true. Friends and family have always tried to get through to me, saying that I’m too hard on myself. Some people did get through, but it never truly changed me. There was also a portion of myself that never really wanted to let go of that notion either. I believed that idea helped me make certain I was the best I could possibly be. If I didn’t do well, I pushed myself harder. If I was fine, I pushed for perfection. But sometimes, I don’t know when to stop. I’ll wear myself down, and when I still haven’t reached perfection, I start hating myself.

 

But recently, something finally broke through. And it actually started when I made my first podcast episode. (Which, by the way, you can find at https://gosynth.com/podcasts/13618.) I started out with a strong dislike for my work. I thought it made me sound very self-absorbed, and like I was seeking attention, when in reality I want to leave the whole thing in the past. I figured the podcast wouldn’t be very popular, and would just fade into the background. I’m in awe of what actually happened.

It’s not a lot. Just a few comments that I hadn’t expected. But it meant the world to me.

 

A few years ago, I had a teacher that gave my entire class a bookmark or something of the like with a quote from Winnie the Pooh. She told us to never forget it. Over the course of almost 5 years, I did forget it, as humans have a tendency to do. Until now. Now I wish I hadn’t forgotten it.

I’m not really sure why this meant so much to me. I’m not sure why after all this time, this of all things, broke through the barrier I’d created. But it did. And now, I’m not really sure where to start. But I think I finally have enough confidence to keep myself going, and I have enough determination to try.

I know self-esteem is something that not a lot teens have. In fact, it’s probably what teens lack the most of. And as I mentioned earlier, lack of confidence goes hand-in-hand with anxiety. As a result, I know I’m definitely not the only one out there that could use more confidence. Unfortunately, at this time I don’t have a whole lot I can give to you that will help you with your confidence since I haven’t even figured this thing out myself. But I’ll keep you posted, and when I learn more, I’ll post something about it.

For now, do yourself a favor and never forget:

 

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -Christopher Robin

 

*NOTICE: Although the main topic of this blog is going to remain anxiety disorders, I may expand a little bit into other emotions that teenagers experience.

 

Dealing With STRESS and ANXIETY- Quick Fixes and Long-Term Solutions For Anyone

Nov17

Although this blog in general is directed for people with anxiety, this post can help anyone who wants to learn more about how to deal with stress. We’ve all faced stress at some point or another, and we always will. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become negative if not properly dealt with. That’s why I’ve dedicated this post to fixes that anyone can use, even if you don’t have anxiety. Not all of these solutions will work for you because everyone is different, but I promise you there will be something here that can help.

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND: Stress is not always a bad thing. It may feel unpleasant at the time- but in all reality, you can’t live without it. Literally. You’d have no motivation to do anything. If you were faced with a dangerous situation, you’d feel like there’s no reason to get the heck out of there. In other words, you wouldn’t last very long. Sometimes, we even enjoy a little bit of stress- for example, amusement park rides. This is eustress. It’s when this stress becomes toxic (distress) do we need to use these strategies. How do you know if your stress is becoming toxic? To put it simply, it’s toxic if it starts interfering with your life. If you find yourself unable to focus quite frequently, feeling exhausted more than normal for no apparent reason (or due to lack of sleep), getting sick more often than usual or anything else similar, that’s when you should be looking for coping strategies.

 

Quick Fixes:

1. Guided Meditation/Mindfulness

Personally, this is one of my favorite ways to relieve stress. It’s relatively quick and extremely effective. There are videos all over the internet that you can use, or you can buy disks and download apps and podcasts. It takes some practice to get good at it, and that’s okay. It will start working from your first use of it, though, and it will continue to help more and more the more you do it. It won’t completely eliminate the stream of thoughts that have been going through your head from your day, but it will interrupt them at the very least, giving you some peace. The calm that you feel afterwards can stick with you for many hours, and it will help the world seem less intimidating. Meditation can also be categorized under “Long Term Solutions”  as well, it depends on how you look at it.

Mindfulness Link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p_yaNFSYao

This is just one example of videos you can find. Some are only 5 minutes long, some more like 20. Use whatever works best for you. I recommend starting with ones about 10 minutes long and going from there.

2. Writing Everything Down

Writing everything down can help you put things in perspective. If you’re worried and you don’t know why, confused about what you’re feeling and the strange mix of emotions, or whatever else, this can help. If you don’t know where to start, just write, “I don’t know where to start,” and then elaborate on your confusion. More ideas will probably come into your head about why you’re feeling this way or how to cope while you’re writing. When you’re doing this, just be careful that you don’t exaggerate your emotions- this can make everything seem worse than it actually is. I have a bad habit of doing that, which is why this is not one of my favorite ways to cope with stress. However, keeping a journal has helped me somewhat.

3. Talking about it

I know this seems cliché, but it’s worth it. Talking to someone else will help you come to the conclusion that you are not alone. The other person may see things differently than you, and as a result, they might give you different and unique ways to deal with your life that help more than what you were trying. Sometimes, however stupid this may sound- talking to yourself can help too. I do this a lot, without even realizing it; if I’m alone, I’ll chatter constantly to myself, and if I’m stressed about something, I’ll find myself formulating a plan to deal with it out loud.

4. Take a break or a deep breath

It helps to change the scenery, or to just pause and take a breath. This is probably the easiest thing you can do. Just walk somewhere else in the building, take a walk outside, even pacing helps. It burns off nervous energy. The purpose of this is mainly to break the stream of negative thoughts and worries going through your head. If you’re in class, chances are if you ask a teacher if you can leave for a few minutes to relieve anxiety, they’ll probably say yes. If not, just sit back down, take a deep breath and close your eyes for a few seconds. Try to clear your mind during those few seconds and then return to your work.

5. Face your fears

Perhaps this isn’t an option for you, because you don’t know what’s causing your stress or you can’t make the thing that’s causing your anxiety go away. But if your homework is causing you stress, do your homework. If you’re concerned about a test, study for it. If you’re worried about someone, talk to them. It’s more or less facing your fear, and the most effective solution I can give you under “Quick Fixes.” It might be really difficult depending on the situation, but it’s definitely worth it.

 

Long Term Solutions:

1. Exercise

This will help you THE MOST out of anything. I could give you a hundred different coping methods, and none would be quite as effective as this is. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the most difficult things to keep doing diligently. It may not seem like it’s working right after you do it, depending on the person you are, either. Some people will run themselves into the ground working out or playing their sport to relieve stress, and that’s great for them. But there are plenty of people (like me) where that strategy doesn’t work. In fact, making ourselves exhausted can sometimes only make things worse. So I recommend setting a specific time of day when you’re going to exercise. Even just taking a walk outside will help. Give yourself reasons to keep doing it day after day. Listen to your favorite music, have some fun with it. Over time, you will find that exercising has helped you tremendously, but it may take a while to see the results. Expect to have to keep at it for a month AT THE VERY LEAST before you start feeling the results you want. I guarantee you that this will help more than anything else will.

2. Happy Place

In all reality, this could go under “Quick Fixes” as well. I put it under “Long-Term Solutions” mainly because it becomes easier and more effective the more you do it, and you might not get the result you’re looking for straight away. Try coming up with a daydream where you always feel really happy. Find something you love and form a movie in your head of doing it exceptionally well, for example. Focus on the little details and how happy you are in the daydream. This method is typically supposed to be used at night when you’re falling asleep. If you’re one of those people that has anxiety the worst when you’re trying to sleep, this should help. Ultimately, the goal is to train your brain that when you focus on this particular daydream, it’s time to sleep. You can also do other things to help train your brain, like meditation. The reason I bring up the daydream, is that instead, you can use this during the day if you’re anxious to help calm yourself down, if that’s what works best for you.

3. Eat healthy… and avoid dairy.

This is another difficult one for most of us, but it will help you have more energy (the good kind, not the nervous energy you’re trying to get rid of). The extra energy will help you be able to think more rationally and control your emotions a little more. You don’t have to go overboard, just make sure you’re getting 3-5 servings of fruits/vegetables a day, and try to avoid vast amounts of carbs and added sugar, and yes… dairy. You don’t have to completely eliminate it from your diet, but remember that dairy does have some stress-inducing properties, so you don’t want to be drinking milk and eating cheese too much. Keep in mind that while avoiding dairy can have a serious positive impact on some people, it doesn’t work for everyone. If you want to try this, I suggest sticking with it for about a month before assuming whether or not it works.

If you’re struggling with eating healthy, try planning meals ahead of time so you don’t just run to the nearest fast food place. Another good idea is to write down what you’ve eaten that day, so it’s easier to keep track of what you eat. Plus, you’ll want to write down good things on your paper.

4. Therapy

If it’s come to the point where the stress or anxiety is really making life difficult for you, therapy is always an option. It’s not shameful to ask for help when you need it. In fact, it actually takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help. I put this under “long term solutions” because this does take time, this is something that many people often forget. You might not feel any different after your first session. But give it a few months, and it will definitely be worth it. Even if you’re not sure if you need help, it’s still a good idea to ask for it. It won’t be wasting anyone’s time, and you’ll get your question(s) answered.

 

Not sure why you’re having anxiety? That’s okay. One of the defining characteristics of certain types of anxiety is that you don’t know why you’re upset. Other times, you’re experiencing normal mood swings that come with adolescence. These coping strategies will still work. If you find that talking about it or writing it down works the best for you, just start by explaining your emotions. You don’t have to know the cause of them to fix things.

 

I hope this helps! That’s about all I’ve got for you for now. I’ll be back soon. 🙂

 

Also- I’m starting a podcast! It’s pretty similar to what I’ve been posting, but if you don’t like reading these ridiculously long posts, now you have a solution. You can find me at gosynth.com in a week or so.

It’s Better To Be Different.

Nov5

Chances are, if you’re looking at this blog, you’ve accepted the fact that you have anxiety and need help, unless you’re deleting this page from your search history every time you look here for fear of others finding out. Sometimes, though, we need to find ways to help others with anxiety, or that feeling of self-doubt starts taking control of your life. That’s why this blog post is all about how to accept yourself; anxiety and all.

First of all, even though sometimes it seems like you’re the only person in the world with an anxiety disorder, you’re not alone. According to childmind.org, “Nearly one in three adolescents (31.9%) will meet criteria for an anxiety disorder by the age of 18.” I’m guessing that the number is even higher than that, because some people never get it clinically diagnosed. Technically, my anxiety has never been officially diagnosed, although we’ve talked to my doctor about it before. In addition, it may seem like nobody out there will understand you. Let me tell you, that’s not the case. I have the rarest personality type in the world, and even I can find people that understand me, and more importantly, care about me. You might have to search a little, but there’s always someone. And another thing to keep in mind; it’s not shameful to go to a counselor, at school or otherwise.

Secondly, you have to throw self-doubt out the window. I know that’s easier said than done. In fact, as I write this, I’m fighting with self-doubt. It’s not an easy thing to do, especially if you’re a teenager or thereabouts. But in all reality, it’s okay to be different. You might’ve seen one of those cheesy posters with a whole lot of identical zebras and words underneath that read “If we were all the same, how would we tell each other apart?” While this is true, I think it goes much deeper than that. If you aren’t true to who you are, how do you know how to get through the day? How do you know what’s best for you, now and in the future? How can you make true friends? The truth is, you don’t know. You can’t get help when you need it. That’s why accepting yourself is the best thing you can do. I don’t know what situation you might be in; you might have a decent support system, you might feel like you’re all alone. But, I guarantee you, you are just fine the way you were born. In fact, it’s better you stay true to who you are, because if we all tried to be each other, the world would be very confusing and frankly, boring. Not only will throwing self-doubt out the window help you with anxiety, it has a lot of other positive impacts on your life, such as confidence, and with it, comes happiness. I might write a blog post in the future that gives you tips and tricks when it comes to getting rid of self-doubt, since that tends to go hand-in-hand with anxiety.

Thirdly, you need to ignore what other people say to you if it’s negative. Some people view anxiety as a problem. Others view the people with anxiety as a problem. Neither of these things are true. I’m lucky enough to be around people that have never called me “retarded” or other names.  That’s probably because anxiety is pretty common. It’s pretty hard to detect in others if they are good at hiding it, or if you don’t know the signs as well. I am aware, however, that there are people out there who do have to deal with that, and maybe you’re one of them. Here’s what I say to that: Screw them. They don’t know the battle you fight day after day after day. It’s something you can’t control, it’s not as if you choose this way of life. You’re stronger than they are, because they go through their life without fighting a mental battle. They don’t understand, so why should you care what they think? Their point of view is obviously invalid because they’re missing major pieces of information.

And lastly, don’t feel ashamed! Like I just mentioned, you are stronger than most, even if it doesn’t seem like it. You can’t control the fact that you have anxiety, and that’s okay. We all have to fight a battle of some sort, ours just happens to be mental.

On the other hand, what do you do if you recognize symptoms of anxiety in someone else, and they refuse to admit it? This is a little bit of a more difficult situation, especially if this particular person is really stubborn. Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot you can do.  You can tell them the things that I’ve told you, and make it clear that you’re there for them. Even if they continue to deny it, don’t pressure them. You might’ve planted a seed in their consciousness, and it could grow into something that’s good for them in the future. If it’s pretty serious and the anxiety is having a huge impact on their life and/or the lives of others around them, you need to tell a trusted adult, preferably a parent/guardian of theirs, or if that’s not possible, try a caring teacher or school counselor. You can also just tell one of your own parents/guardians, and have them figure something out. Or you could do all three. I also suggest telling one of their friends your concerns, so they can look out for this person as well.

That’s about all I have. If you have any questions, feel free to leave them in the comments section, and I’ll try to respond as soon as possible.

Be A Glowstick

Oct8

If you’ve read the “All About The Strange Person Who Wrote This Blog” page, you’ll know that I have generalized anxiety disorder that has gotten worse with age. (If you haven’t read it, you should, it’s great) I know very well that feeling of being trapped in time, caught up in a sea of emotion, a sea that others are often oblivious to. I have never understood this feeling more than I do now, after these past four months.

When I was younger, although it was still evident that I had anxiety, it never got worse, never got better. It wasn’t until 6th grade when things really started changing, and not in a good way. I was suddenly given more responsibility then I’d ever been prepared for. I’m a perfectionist, so all my homework had to have an A or I was not happy about it. I was facing migraines for the first time due to stress. I had to re-establish my reputation as a good student, and with so many different teachers to please, it was next to impossible. These are common struggles, but it doesn’t make them any easier to live with, and they’re often overlooked when they shouldn’t be. It’s even more difficult for someone like me, as I’m sure you’re well aware. Eventually, I struck a rhythm that suited my lifestyle, making 7th grade easier.  I’d even venture to say that 7th grade ended up being one of my favorite grades. Things have been going downhill ever since.

I loved going to school that year, and I wasn’t particularly happy that I had to leave it. I knew that my summer was not going to be a relaxing vacation or exhilarating adventure, like it is for most people. I was glad to be leaving the little bit of drama that had erupted at the end of the year, and the stress from all the final assessments. Still though, I had learned so much, and become closer to my friends then I knew was possible. It was no surprise to me that I spent the whole summer bored out of my mind, longing to be with the people I cared for again. What did surprise me, was the degree to which I felt my loneliness. It was like nothing else I’d ever experienced. In addition, it was also around this time that my dog was diagnosed with terminal lymphoma (cancer in the lymph nodes). I was very confused emotionally, half of me grieving and the other half knowing that my dog Dexter, was still alive. This in itself is bad enough, but by the end of the summer, I could name 7 people (or pets, in my case) with cancer. Even if only one of the 7 was connected to me, it sucked because my friends’ and family members’ pain, is my pain. It got to the point where I even wondered if I had depression, because happiness was a very seldom emotion.

I have never been so happy to get back to school in my entire life. I thought everything would go away, and I could focus on my schoolwork and see my friends every day. Not so. It did help to see my friends every day, because they help keep my mind occupied and away from those awful thoughts. On the other hand, seeing them every day reminded me I was constantly concerned for their well-being. If they’re not as school and I don’t know why, often I’ll freak out, fearing something bad has happened to them or someone connected to them. Other things popped up suddenly as well. I was supposed to be volunteering at a local business as well, one that I’ve been loyal to for many years. I received notification only the night before, so I couldn’t make it despite the fact that I promised I’d be able to. This left the owner of the store angry at me, and I was furious in turn for being blamed when I hadn’t received notification. Some of the best days of my life were through those doors, and I feared never being able to come back to volunteer there. The truth is, it was a G-mail glitch. Neither of us got the other’s E-mails, but it took all weekend for us to figure this out, leading to a lot of worrying for me, and confusion on both ends. The worst part about it was I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about it because the business owner is my friend’s mom.

Shortly before this episode, my dog passed away, leading me to be irrationally angry at random intervals throughout the week. Luckily, I’ve fairly good at managing my anger, so I lashed out at no one, and only one person had to listen to me rant. (If you’re reading this, I’m still sorry…) The person who helps me the most through these situations, my mother, was working for 11 days straight when she used to be a stay at home mom, so I wasn’t used to having to deal with this on my own. I also didn’t want to transfer any of my anxiety to her, because she was also under a lot of stress. Finally, I was struggling with my terror of getting a migraine, which are triggered by stress and lack of sleep. Every time I looked at a bright light and it left spots in my vision, I panicked, fearing it was the same white patterns that alert me to the fact that I’m about to have a migraine. The good news is that somehow, I never did have one.

All this has also triggered a lot of self-doubt. I’ve always been hard on myself, it’s what I get for being a perfectionist, but there have been times when I would’ve called myself worthless. I’m still working on this piece, I haven’t entirely figured out how to convince myself that I am a decent person.

In short, it was basically the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

This was not that long ago, and I still feel tired and anxious from the after effects. Sometimes I wonder if it’s over, or if I have just another break until the next wave comes. But those are my dark moments. I have learned so much from this time period. One thing I did not mention earlier was how loyal the friends I shared this information with have been to me. They helped me on a lot of my darker days even when they weren’t aware of it, and for that I am forever grateful. In the end, I needed more help, but I realized that soon enough and I talked to the school counselor. I don’t know if it’s over yet, but I see the place where I want to be, and I see a way out. If another cloud should cover the sun again, though, I know where to go and what to do this time.

So what’s the point of telling you all of this? I want this story to show you that no matter how long your pain has lasted, whether it be 2 weeks, 4 months, or 5 years, there is always hope. It’s okay to ask for help from family, friends, or a counselor. In fact, it’s courageous to, because it’s not always easy, but it’s the right thing to do. This world deserves a person like you to make it a better place, don’t ever forget that.

It took me over four months to free myself, but I survived. I survived, and I’m much wiser and stronger than I ever have been before.

 

“It’s okay to be a glowstick. Sometimes we need to break before we shine.” -Unknown